grace and compassion

CM and I talked about a definition for compassion on Sunday.  I don't really have a defintion as much as I have an image.  The problem that I have with the image is that I see myself doing something that is not "naturally" me.  But here it is:

When I think of compassionate women, I think of women who, every time I've encountered them, have made me feel special.  (perhpas loved?)  I think of women who make me want to talk, which I don't do naturally, but almost more important, I feel that after I've talked, they have listened.  I think of women who, when faced with some challenging news/discussion during small group, know exactly what to say, or not say, and still make the other person feel loved and accepted.  I guess what I'm saying is that I want to develop some listening skills and some wisdom skills.

I spent the day travelling yesterday and found myself sitting at the airport lost in my own little world.  I didn't put my iPod on, but I pulled out a logic puzzle to work on and ignored everyone else.  But I did have a good conversation with my co-worker in the car on the drive to this little town.  It turns out he is a "Humanistic Jew".  I'm not really sure what that means just yet, but we had a good coversation anyway.  I might even get to the point of sharing the gospel with him...will have to wait and see.  He seems very reluctant to talk about religious things.

It is intresting that he has held on to his identity has a Humanistic Jew, even though he claims that he has no real religious preference.  I think he is at the stage where he feels that as long as someone's religious practices does not hurt anyone else, then they are okay.  He even admitted that he doesn't think that any one religion is "right", or more correct, over any other. 

So in this coversation, he asked me why I was in Seminary.  I replied that I have a concern for truth - I want to know that what I believe is true, and why it is true.  I think he is still processing this one.

It is odd that my parents are on their "fall trip" and are literally about an hours drive up the road from me.  Strange to think that we crossed paths yesterday on the road.  I can't wait to see them next week.

I saw MZ, PW, SB, KL, MJ and SA at church yesterday.  They have all stopped coming to bible study and I sometimes have a hard time not being upset with them.  None of them have told me that they wanted to stop, they just stopped showing up.  I need to ask them why.  Hm.  Need to practice that listening, compassionate, grace thing.

Day 1, Part 2

Okay, so it has been a few hours since I created this blog and put the "first" post up.  Now that I have a bulk of my work for the day finished, I wanted to come back and elaborate a little more (mostly for myself).  One of the requirements for Field Ed at Trinity is that we have to come up with a list of goals.  Goals for both personal growth and ministry growth.  In thinking about this, I realized that one of my biggest personal goals is to learn to be a more physically compassionate person.  I know that I am very compassionate - my heart goes out to people in pain, tough situations and the like, but I have a hard time showing my compassion.  I feel like whenever I do tears start to roll and I can't think straight.  I want to learn how to express my compassion in such a way that I am not left in tears with no words to say.  Tears are okay, but words also need to come.  (Gee, as I'm writing this tears are already coming to my eyes.)

I've noticed over the years that I have a difficult time expressing my feelings to people and I think it is because my parents are not expressive people.  They are two completely private people who let very, very few people into their inner world.  And I've learned to be this way as well.  Don't get me wrong, there are things about me that probably should stay private, and they will, but there is also the sense that I can't grow, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually unless I invite people in.  It just so happens that this is a very difficult thing for me to do.

CM asked me this week to define "compassion". I will work on that definition this weekend and get back to you.

Transformation - Day 1

I've been thinking this week about journaling and what this simple, little act can bring to my life. I work full-time at a small liberal arts college, I am in seminary part time, and am involved with women's bible study at church. My life seems full and in fact, I act like my life is too full - much to the neglect of my spiritual growth. One of the things that we have to do in seminary are these things called Field Education - basically they want us to be involved in a ministry, but in such a way that we think through ways in which this service can grow us at future Christian leaders. So this semester, and for the following two, I am going to continue to serve my church in the same way as always, except to put a little more thought into my spiritual growth, which is something that I usually neglect.

Part of this work also means that I need to have a mentor - someone who can help guide me in this journey. God has really blessed me already by providing CM as my mentor - I know that I am going to be challenged this year and am grateful that she is such a Godly woman.

One of the very first tasks she is asking me to do is to journal. I'm not that great at journaling, having picked it up and put it down quite a few times over the last decade. But because this is "coursework" and because I do want to discover the woman that God has created me to be, I am going to try to be more consistent.

Please accept this blog as my attempt to wrestle with what I believe. I am a Christian but I am FAR from perfect and FAR from consistently "getting things right". If you happen to stumble upon this blog and see how screwed up I really am, please know that I accept this and that I consider myself to be a work in progress. But also know that it is through life's messes that we get to see the wonderful hand of God touch our lives and transform it beyond our wildest imagination.