I've been wrestling with my anger issues with God this last week. I admitted to my small group last week that I was angry for lack of a husband and family. The comments were the usual: "maybe you should be grateful for all the things that you can do because you are single", and "maybe you should focus more on your personal transformation instead of looking for the perfect guy". Yeah, not like I hadn't heard these before. Sometimes I want to scream because I consider these comments to be pretty heartless. Seriously.
Anyway, I didn't do much this weekend other than knit and listen to audiobooks. I'm into the third book of the Hunger Games series - Mockingjay. It makes for some great knitting material. I did get some good sleep. Now I'm off to Zumba. It's been a long Monday.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
practicality of growth
I strongly believe that Spiritual Transformation belongs to God - only He has the power to change us and mold us. However, that being said, I also feel that we have a responsibility toward enabling that growth to happen.
I had a conversation recently (the preview 2 posts stemmed from that conversation) about someone trying to become more patient. Patience is a gift - it is a spiritual gift - given from the Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5, Paul outlines immoral behavior contrasting with moral behavior:
My point was that patience is a FRUIT - and a fruit is not something that we can do by ourselves. Yet we do have a responsibility toward the production of this fruit. In trees (or bushes), fruit happens when the tree is watered, fertilized and protected (from high winds, tornados, anything that could otherwise disrupt its production). So too with us: when we seek connection with the Holy Spirit (prayer=water), read our bible (=fertilization) and are otherwise protected from damages by the Enemy (recognizing evil, recognizing and confessing our sins), we will produce fruit. A couple of things I want to point out regarding fruit production:
Now, I really hate for this to be formulaic. I don't want to boil down the Christian life to one formula of things you have to do in order to be transformed - that is NOT how God works. Each one of us is unique and has a completely different "spiritual makeup" and therefore God meets each of us in different and unique ways. There is no one "right" way to do any of these things.
I do, however, recognize that some people need a bit more "guidance" as to how to do all of this. Particularly when we are faced with large amounts of guilt and shame. To this end, I would like to talk about some practical steps that we can take.
I took a bible study class with the teaching paster of my church in Naperville about 9 years ago. He is no longer there but his class has impacted me profoundly over the years. He had a way of presenting spiritual transformation in very practical ways. His name is Bill Giovanetti and he is now with a church in Redmond, CA. I'm not going to present his full theology, or his full teaching, as that it not feasible. But I do want to talk about what he calls "The Grace Drill".
One of the things that makes Dr. Giovanetti's theology interesting is that he presents God's side and Satan's side of things. Guilt and shame are constructs of Satan. They are the tools he uses to divert our attention from the fact that we live under Grace, and as such, once our sin is confessed, it is forgotted by God. Not always so for us. Guild and shame, if not dealt with immediately, can grow and morph into an amazing cloud from which we have a hard (re: DIFFICULT) time seeing the sun (re:SON). Here are the steps that you can practice to dissipate that awful cloud:
I had a conversation recently (the preview 2 posts stemmed from that conversation) about someone trying to become more patient. Patience is a gift - it is a spiritual gift - given from the Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5, Paul outlines immoral behavior contrasting with moral behavior:
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit.
My point was that patience is a FRUIT - and a fruit is not something that we can do by ourselves. Yet we do have a responsibility toward the production of this fruit. In trees (or bushes), fruit happens when the tree is watered, fertilized and protected (from high winds, tornados, anything that could otherwise disrupt its production). So too with us: when we seek connection with the Holy Spirit (prayer=water), read our bible (=fertilization) and are otherwise protected from damages by the Enemy (recognizing evil, recognizing and confessing our sins), we will produce fruit. A couple of things I want to point out regarding fruit production:
- It is cyclical - i.e. fruit happens once a year, when the weather is nice and the tree has been properly fed and watered. This should translate into the fact that we should not expect a 100% fruitful transformation for the rest of our lives: transformation happens in steps.
- There are periods of non-fruitfulness. There comes a time each season when the tree cannot produce any more fruit. This is natural. We cannot maintain a 100% fruit bearing life, we should expect times of unfruitfulness as well.
- Fruit is the by-product of a well fed, well watered and well protected tree. Stay connected with the Holy Spirit (prayer, meditation, fasting) and stay reading the Bible (fertilization), continue to recognize your sins and confess them and YOU WILL BECOME FRUITFUL.
- Fruit production is natural. Trees and shrubs live to produce fruit - and so do you. Maintain your course and you will produce fruit.
Now, I really hate for this to be formulaic. I don't want to boil down the Christian life to one formula of things you have to do in order to be transformed - that is NOT how God works. Each one of us is unique and has a completely different "spiritual makeup" and therefore God meets each of us in different and unique ways. There is no one "right" way to do any of these things.
I do, however, recognize that some people need a bit more "guidance" as to how to do all of this. Particularly when we are faced with large amounts of guilt and shame. To this end, I would like to talk about some practical steps that we can take.
I took a bible study class with the teaching paster of my church in Naperville about 9 years ago. He is no longer there but his class has impacted me profoundly over the years. He had a way of presenting spiritual transformation in very practical ways. His name is Bill Giovanetti and he is now with a church in Redmond, CA. I'm not going to present his full theology, or his full teaching, as that it not feasible. But I do want to talk about what he calls "The Grace Drill".
One of the things that makes Dr. Giovanetti's theology interesting is that he presents God's side and Satan's side of things. Guilt and shame are constructs of Satan. They are the tools he uses to divert our attention from the fact that we live under Grace, and as such, once our sin is confessed, it is forgotted by God. Not always so for us. Guild and shame, if not dealt with immediately, can grow and morph into an amazing cloud from which we have a hard (re: DIFFICULT) time seeing the sun (re:SON). Here are the steps that you can practice to dissipate that awful cloud:
- Confess it: simply acknowledge your sin directly to God. (1 Cor 11:31; Ps 66:18; Pro 12:13; Eph 4:22)
- Crossify it: remind yourself that Christ has already paid for the sin, and thank him for it.
- Contain it: do not let the sin you are confessing to God generate other sins.
- Cancel it: Accept the consequences, forget the past and move on. Don’t stew over your sins, don’t punish yourself, don’t let guilt and shame control you.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
why I am angry at God
I'm going to get real personal and tears may be involved, so be prepared. I had the opportunity to grow up in a stable household. My parents have been married now for over 45 years and there was never any mention of divorce in the entire time I've known my parents. However, they don't have what I would call a happy and fulfilled life. They were high school sweethearts and got married part way through college, at which time my Mom dropped out and supported my Dad. Eventually they had me and six years later they had my sister.
Ever since I became non-self aware (probably around 7th/8th grade) I've been aware that my parents were not happy. I discovered that my Dad is an alcoholic, one that hides his drinking very well, and that my Mom chose to ignore the problem. the drinking got to the point where my Dad would come home on Thursday night, start drinking, pass out, get up and go to work on Friday, repeat the Thursday routine and then spend Sat and Sun in a drunk, passed out state. So I have very strong issues of abandonment that I've had to deal with over the years.
Anyway, all of this is a preface to say that until I was 30 years old I never, and I repeat never, wanted to be married. Since my only real model of marriage was one of abandonment, unhappiness and generally a co-habitation, that was not what I wanted in a marriage.
Wonder of wonders happened: when I became a Christian, I had the opportunity to witness close up a Christian marriage. And boy were my eyes opened. D and M were both Christians who put their faith first and each other second. After 40+ years of marriage they were still best friends and honestly loved and enjoyed each other. I am not blind to the fact that there were issues - I do know that no marriage is perfect - but I do know that no matter what they faced, they faced it with a love and trust in God and a love and trust for each other.
But nearly as soon as I had the realization that the type of marriage I've always dreamed about could be possible, I KNEW, without a shadow of doubt, that I was no where near being the wife that God would want me to be. I've spent the last 10 (or so) years really thinking about biblical marriage and what it would mean to be a wife. And I have spent the last 10+ years being transformed by God into the wife that I know HE wants me to be.
My anger comes in with the fact that I am now a few years beyond 40, no potential husband even in sight and my chances of having children quickly diminishing. I'm angry that I have waited this long. I'm angry that I am still not ready. I'm angry that I might grow old being alone. I'm angry that ... I'm angry that ... ...
I'll come back and finish this later. I need to abate this anger.
Ever since I became non-self aware (probably around 7th/8th grade) I've been aware that my parents were not happy. I discovered that my Dad is an alcoholic, one that hides his drinking very well, and that my Mom chose to ignore the problem. the drinking got to the point where my Dad would come home on Thursday night, start drinking, pass out, get up and go to work on Friday, repeat the Thursday routine and then spend Sat and Sun in a drunk, passed out state. So I have very strong issues of abandonment that I've had to deal with over the years.
Anyway, all of this is a preface to say that until I was 30 years old I never, and I repeat never, wanted to be married. Since my only real model of marriage was one of abandonment, unhappiness and generally a co-habitation, that was not what I wanted in a marriage.
Wonder of wonders happened: when I became a Christian, I had the opportunity to witness close up a Christian marriage. And boy were my eyes opened. D and M were both Christians who put their faith first and each other second. After 40+ years of marriage they were still best friends and honestly loved and enjoyed each other. I am not blind to the fact that there were issues - I do know that no marriage is perfect - but I do know that no matter what they faced, they faced it with a love and trust in God and a love and trust for each other.
But nearly as soon as I had the realization that the type of marriage I've always dreamed about could be possible, I KNEW, without a shadow of doubt, that I was no where near being the wife that God would want me to be. I've spent the last 10 (or so) years really thinking about biblical marriage and what it would mean to be a wife. And I have spent the last 10+ years being transformed by God into the wife that I know HE wants me to be.
My anger comes in with the fact that I am now a few years beyond 40, no potential husband even in sight and my chances of having children quickly diminishing. I'm angry that I have waited this long. I'm angry that I am still not ready. I'm angry that I might grow old being alone. I'm angry that ... I'm angry that ... ...
I'll come back and finish this later. I need to abate this anger.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
being honest
I made the commitment to myself when I started this blog that I would be transparent and honest, if not for you, then for me. I've said before that being a Christian does not mean that I am perfect or that I have all the answers or that I live a great life. What it does mean is that I know what it means to be on the receiving end of God's gift of grace. Sometimes, though, it is a very difficult thing to receive.
As long as I need to be honest, then I will admit that I am mad at God. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been a little angry, disappointed and mad for a while but have been afraid to put words to my feelings for fear that shame and guilt would overcome me. And while I do feel shame at having these feelings, I do know they are at least honest.
Intellectually I know that once I acknowledge my feelings - put words to them - and get them out into the open, they can be dealt with. It is when we come before God and are honest with ourselves that He can begin a work in us. So I come before you, and before God, and I am laying this at His feet: I am angry, sad and very disappointed. I'm not going to lay bare everything right now, I just needed to take this first step and make these admissions.
I had a great conversation with a women in my small group last night. She admitted to being frustrated that she wanted to be transformed, recongnizing that there is something in her life that is not what she wants it to be, but feels guilt and shame at not being able to "will" herself into being transformed. Although my response was not a perfect one, I did admit to her what I have admitted to you. I can't will myself not not be angry about a certain part of my life. Perhaps now that both of us have put out into the open, before ourselves and before other people, God can begin His work.
I'll write more tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
As long as I need to be honest, then I will admit that I am mad at God. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been a little angry, disappointed and mad for a while but have been afraid to put words to my feelings for fear that shame and guilt would overcome me. And while I do feel shame at having these feelings, I do know they are at least honest.
Intellectually I know that once I acknowledge my feelings - put words to them - and get them out into the open, they can be dealt with. It is when we come before God and are honest with ourselves that He can begin a work in us. So I come before you, and before God, and I am laying this at His feet: I am angry, sad and very disappointed. I'm not going to lay bare everything right now, I just needed to take this first step and make these admissions.
I had a great conversation with a women in my small group last night. She admitted to being frustrated that she wanted to be transformed, recongnizing that there is something in her life that is not what she wants it to be, but feels guilt and shame at not being able to "will" herself into being transformed. Although my response was not a perfect one, I did admit to her what I have admitted to you. I can't will myself not not be angry about a certain part of my life. Perhaps now that both of us have put out into the open, before ourselves and before other people, God can begin His work.
I'll write more tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
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