being honest

I made the commitment to myself when I started this blog that I would be transparent and honest, if not for you, then for me. I've said before that being a Christian does not mean that I am perfect or that I have all the answers or that I live a great life. What it does mean is that I know what it means to be on the receiving end of God's gift of grace. Sometimes, though, it is a very difficult thing to receive.

As long as I need to be honest, then I will admit that I am mad at God. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been a little angry, disappointed and mad for a while but have been afraid to put words to my feelings for fear that shame and guilt would overcome me. And while I do feel shame at having these feelings, I do know they are at least honest.

Intellectually I know that once I acknowledge my feelings - put words to them - and get them out into the open, they can be dealt with. It is when we come before God and are honest with ourselves that He can begin a work in us. So I come before you, and before God, and I am laying this at His feet: I am angry, sad and very disappointed. I'm not going to lay bare everything right now, I just needed to take this first step and make these admissions.

I had a great conversation with a women in my small group last night. She admitted to being frustrated that she wanted to be transformed, recongnizing that there is something in her life that is not what she wants it to be, but feels guilt and shame at not being able to "will" herself into being transformed. Although my response was not a perfect one, I did admit to her what I have admitted to you. I can't will myself not not be angry about a certain part of my life. Perhaps now that both of us have put out into the open, before ourselves and before other people, God can begin His work.

I'll write more tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.