why I am angry at God

I'm going to get real personal and tears may be involved, so be prepared. I had the opportunity to grow up in a stable household. My parents have been married now for over 45 years and there was never any mention of divorce in the entire time I've known my parents. However, they don't have what I would call a happy and fulfilled life. They were high school sweethearts and got married part way through college, at which time my Mom dropped out and supported my Dad. Eventually they had me and six years later they had my sister.


Ever since I became non-self aware (probably around 7th/8th grade) I've been aware that my parents were not happy. I discovered that my Dad is an alcoholic, one that hides his drinking very well, and that my Mom chose to ignore the problem. the drinking got to the point where my Dad would come home on Thursday night, start drinking, pass out, get up and go to work on Friday, repeat the Thursday routine and then spend Sat and Sun in a drunk, passed out state. So I have very strong issues of abandonment that I've had to deal with over the years. 


Anyway, all of this is a preface to say that until I was 30 years old I never, and I repeat never, wanted to be married. Since my only real model of marriage was one of abandonment, unhappiness and generally a co-habitation, that was not what I wanted in a marriage.


Wonder of wonders happened: when I became a Christian, I had the opportunity to witness close up a Christian marriage. And boy were my eyes opened. D and M were both Christians who put their faith first and each other second. After 40+ years of marriage they were still best friends and honestly loved and enjoyed each other. I am not blind to the fact that there were issues - I do know that no marriage is perfect - but I do know that no matter what they faced, they faced it with a love and trust in God and a love and trust for each other.


But nearly as soon as I had the realization that the type of marriage I've always dreamed about could be possible, I KNEW, without a shadow of doubt, that I was no where near being the wife that God would want me to be. I've spent the last 10 (or so) years really thinking about biblical marriage and what it would mean to be a wife. And I have spent the last 10+ years being transformed by God into the wife that I know HE wants me to be.


My anger comes in with the fact that I am now a few years beyond 40, no potential husband even in sight and my chances of having children quickly diminishing. I'm angry that I have waited this long. I'm angry that I am still not ready. I'm angry that I might grow old being alone. I'm angry that ... I'm angry that ... ...


I'll come back and finish this later. I need to abate this anger.