I'm not sure what is wrong with me but I've never felt more exhausted or stilfed in all my life. I feel like I can't wake up and all of my "creativity" is drained away. Which is hard because I'm discovering that while my creativity is gone my life seems "off". I went in to my office yesterday, ostensibly to work on a side project that I've had for 3 weeks now and have only barely started. So I was going to be here and work but all I "felt" like doing it watching TV (via the internet). Needless to say that I'm still not further along in my side project. But I did leave my iPod in my office, which meant that I couldn't sloth around the house doing nothing and listening to a book. Instead I slothed around the house and actually spent time reading, not something that I had done for a while. It felt good.
Last week I disovered that a writing software that used to be only for the Mac was being deveoped for the PC. So cool. I downloaded the beta version and I have to say that it is way cool. I can't wait for the full blown production copy - it will be a well spent $40.
I've started reading a book called "Listening and Caring Skills" by John Savage. I haven't read too far into the book but so far it seems interesting. He starts the book by talking about different levels of how communication is understood. The seems a bit technical, but I'll stick with it for now.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
not alone in thought
I published my last post without really "finishing" it - sorry about that.
I had dinner with my friend K last night and she is also single and close to my age. In our discussion last night she commented on how hard it is to face life alone. To realize that there are no kids to come after who will be there when we will start to need help. To realize how difficult it is to do life alone - no one to share burdens with or work with. These were kind of the thoughts that I was trying to get at in my last post that I didn't really articulate very well.
I guess that is where my "anger" comes in: I feel that we were created to be in community with family and when that family doesn't exist and we want it to (for whatever reasons it might be), it is very frustrating. Feeling alone is the hardest part of being single.
I had dinner with my friend K last night and she is also single and close to my age. In our discussion last night she commented on how hard it is to face life alone. To realize that there are no kids to come after who will be there when we will start to need help. To realize how difficult it is to do life alone - no one to share burdens with or work with. These were kind of the thoughts that I was trying to get at in my last post that I didn't really articulate very well.
I guess that is where my "anger" comes in: I feel that we were created to be in community with family and when that family doesn't exist and we want it to (for whatever reasons it might be), it is very frustrating. Feeling alone is the hardest part of being single.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
thinking about anger
I've been thinking about my anger issue lately and I've decided that it is really more of a disappointment issue than an anger issue. I've also been trying to pinpoint what, exactly, amd I disappointed with? This is a little bit more difficult for me to answer.
I know enough about myself to know that I struggle with depression. I feel more depressed when I feel extremely lonely. One of the hardest things for me to do was to move to Illinois, a place I had never been and a place where I knew no one. I've had to build relationships and friendships from scratch, not something that I am good at or find easy to do. Don't get me wrong - I have lots of WONDERFUL friends here and would not trade them for anything. But, I still struggle with "feeling" lonely.
So I've been thinking about loneliness this week. What is it about being alone that bothers me? I think one of my biggest fears that if something goes wrong in my life I will have no one to share it with. More than that, though, is being alone and dying suddenly. Who would know? I've thought about this a lot - what if someone breaks into my house and kills me? Who would know? How long would it take for someone to find me? Or if I just die suddenly...same thoughts. Now, my head tells me things like "being lonely is not a reason for a husband" and "people do care about you and you would be missed", but sometimes its my heart that is paralized by fear. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think about this every day, or even every other day - but I have thought about it enough that I have lost sleep over it.
Truth be told, though, I really am a loner at heart. I don't always like being around people. I love the fact that I now live alone and can do anything I want without having to worry about someone else in the house. I can leave my mess in the kitchen until tomorrow. I can sit and watch a movie without worring about making too much noise or hogging the tv. I actully enjoy not having to be considerate of another person, no offense intended. But somehow I'm always drawn back to feeling alone and isolated.
I know enough about myself to know that I struggle with depression. I feel more depressed when I feel extremely lonely. One of the hardest things for me to do was to move to Illinois, a place I had never been and a place where I knew no one. I've had to build relationships and friendships from scratch, not something that I am good at or find easy to do. Don't get me wrong - I have lots of WONDERFUL friends here and would not trade them for anything. But, I still struggle with "feeling" lonely.
So I've been thinking about loneliness this week. What is it about being alone that bothers me? I think one of my biggest fears that if something goes wrong in my life I will have no one to share it with. More than that, though, is being alone and dying suddenly. Who would know? I've thought about this a lot - what if someone breaks into my house and kills me? Who would know? How long would it take for someone to find me? Or if I just die suddenly...same thoughts. Now, my head tells me things like "being lonely is not a reason for a husband" and "people do care about you and you would be missed", but sometimes its my heart that is paralized by fear. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think about this every day, or even every other day - but I have thought about it enough that I have lost sleep over it.
Truth be told, though, I really am a loner at heart. I don't always like being around people. I love the fact that I now live alone and can do anything I want without having to worry about someone else in the house. I can leave my mess in the kitchen until tomorrow. I can sit and watch a movie without worring about making too much noise or hogging the tv. I actully enjoy not having to be considerate of another person, no offense intended. But somehow I'm always drawn back to feeling alone and isolated.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)