thinking about anger

I've been thinking about my anger issue lately and I've decided that it is really more of a disappointment issue than an anger issue. I've also been trying to pinpoint what, exactly, amd I disappointed with? This is a little bit more difficult for me to answer.

I know enough about myself to know that I struggle with depression. I feel more depressed when I feel extremely lonely. One of the hardest things for me to do was to move to Illinois, a place I had never been and a place where I knew no one. I've had to build relationships and friendships from scratch, not something that I am good at or find easy to do. Don't get me wrong - I have lots of WONDERFUL friends here and would not trade them for anything. But, I still struggle with "feeling" lonely.

So I've been thinking about loneliness this week. What is it about being alone that bothers me? I think one of my biggest fears that if something goes wrong in my life I will have no one to share it with. More than that, though, is being alone and dying suddenly. Who would know? I've thought about this a lot - what if someone breaks into my house and kills me? Who would know? How long would it take for someone to find me? Or if I just die suddenly...same thoughts. Now, my head tells me things like "being lonely is not a reason for a husband" and "people do care about you and you would be missed", but sometimes its my heart that is paralized by fear. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think about this every day, or even every other day - but I have thought about it enough that I have lost sleep over it.

Truth be told, though, I really am a loner at heart. I don't always like being around people. I love the fact that I now live alone and can do anything I want without having to worry about someone else in the house. I can leave my mess in the kitchen until tomorrow. I can sit and watch a movie without worring about making too much noise or hogging the tv. I actully enjoy not having to be considerate of another person, no offense intended. But somehow I'm always drawn back to feeling alone and isolated.