In my weekly meeting with CM this week, I gave an update on my Wednesday night group. Last week I posted that we had a breakthrough of trust, each of us making ourselves vulnerable while sharing the problems that we've been experiencing lately. One of the things I kept hearing was "if only I had more faith I wouldn't be in this situation".
When I heard this first come up, I don't think I really addressed the issue well enough, so I thought I would do it this week. We started off reading John 21:1-14, the final time that Jesus appeared to 7 of the 11 apostles. In Matthew 28, Jesus asks them to go up a mountain and wait for him. Apparently they got a little impatient because the next thing we read (chronologically) is Peter essentially giving up and returning to his previous life, becoming a fisherman once again, but an unsuccessful one. He and the other disciples are out fishing at night on the Sea of Galilee, it is dawn and they are coming back to shore empty handed. But there is Jesus, loving them all just the same, and he tells them to go back out and cast their nets again. They go, not knowing that it is Jesus, and come back with nets bursting with fish. But before they could even get back to the shore Jesus is there with a fire and a feast waiting for them.
The picture painted here is one of trust and provision. The disciples didn't trust Jesus enough to stay where he had commanded them to wait. When they take matters into their own hands they are unable to provide for themselves. But here is Jesus, not admonishing them, but providing for them. They had little faith, but Jesus met their every need anyway.
I don't think that faith is a measurable commodity. Jesus (and God) will never say, "Gee, you only have .9 ounces of faith, but you really need 1 full ounce before we can work in your life." That is NOT how God works. Even the faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.
And yet we do recognize in ourselves that our faith can grow. I know that I have more trust in God today than I did 12 years ago, or even 2 years ago. But whatever measure of faith that I do have does not, in any way, shape or form, guarantee my present (or future) circumstances. Our circumstances happen regardless of how MUCH faith we have. What does change, though, is the level of peace we have in the face of trying circumstances. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow: He will always love me. But, we live in a fallen world, and that means that there are some things in our lives that are beyond our control: getting into a car accident, getting laid off from a job, getting sick, etc. What DOES change is our response to those circumstances - and in that response we can have peace and even joy. God works miracles every day, regardless of how much faith we have, but the more faith we have our response to those circumstances can change.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
lint in the belly button
One of the follow-up questions that CM asked me was “Where has grace shown up in your life?” This was in response to saying that in last week’s small group one of the women said that she felt very alone. This is a feeling that I completely identify with. So, CM, here is how grace showed up for me a few years ago.
When I lived in Atlanta, from 1994 – 2001, I didn’t really have any friends. Really. I’ve always been more of a loner, not feeling like I truly fit in anywhere, and have felt like friendships were more burdensome for my “friends” than for me. With that said, I did have some very close friends from college, TI and AB, who are still friends with me today even though we don’t see each other all that frequently. But I digress.
So when I moved to the Chicago area in 2001, it was not a very difficult move for me to make: I had no real investitures of friends in the Atlanta area. (I do have family in Atlanta, family that I am close to and love and miss dearly, but aside from them, I don’t feel like I left anyone behind.) I moved here not knowing a soul (save for my uncle, and I really didn’t know him all that well), I didn’t have a job (or prospects for one) and I didn’t know the area. Exactly 4 Sundays after moving here, I walked into Naperville Bible Church and went to the “visitor’s center”, met a woman named Muriel and my life changed. I took the bold step of talking to someone ( ). Muriel in turn mentioned me to another friend of hers, Bea, who called me that afternoon and invited me to her small group in 2 weeks. I said yes immediately even though I was petrified. That small group was my gift from God. There were Southerners (the V’s), there were newbie Chicagolanders (the H’s) and a host of other people who made me more welcome and more valued that I had ever felt before. The H’s have become such good friends that they asked me to be the Godmother to their son, Bug, as I call him. (You know, because he was as cute as a bug in a rug when he was born.) In fact, the H’s have opened up for me this new and uncharted world of friendship.
Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all of this. Here it is. Six years ago, shortly after I moved up to Waukegan to be closer to work (I was previously living in Plainfield), I needed an emergency gall bladder-ectomy. L (aka Mrs. H), found someone to look after Bug for a few days and immediately drove up to Lake Forest to be with me. The moment of true grace for me, though, was when I asked her, out of complete embarrassment, if she would clean my belly button before my surgery so that the surgeons wouldn’t have to deal with a dirty one. (I have to say that the BB is one of my body parts that gets neglected.) And she did. She laughed a little, and looked at me crazily, but I knew that she did it because she loved me like a sister. She has become for me a friend in whom I know I have complete acceptance and love. She is the “best friend” that I’ve never had before. I still deal with issues of being alone. I also know that I will probably always struggle with those feelings, even if I should ever marry. But because of her I know that I will always have a friend to turn to in time of need. That was how grace showed up for me.
When I lived in Atlanta, from 1994 – 2001, I didn’t really have any friends. Really. I’ve always been more of a loner, not feeling like I truly fit in anywhere, and have felt like friendships were more burdensome for my “friends” than for me. With that said, I did have some very close friends from college, TI and AB, who are still friends with me today even though we don’t see each other all that frequently. But I digress.
So when I moved to the Chicago area in 2001, it was not a very difficult move for me to make: I had no real investitures of friends in the Atlanta area. (I do have family in Atlanta, family that I am close to and love and miss dearly, but aside from them, I don’t feel like I left anyone behind.) I moved here not knowing a soul (save for my uncle, and I really didn’t know him all that well), I didn’t have a job (or prospects for one) and I didn’t know the area. Exactly 4 Sundays after moving here, I walked into Naperville Bible Church and went to the “visitor’s center”, met a woman named Muriel and my life changed. I took the bold step of talking to someone ( ). Muriel in turn mentioned me to another friend of hers, Bea, who called me that afternoon and invited me to her small group in 2 weeks. I said yes immediately even though I was petrified. That small group was my gift from God. There were Southerners (the V’s), there were newbie Chicagolanders (the H’s) and a host of other people who made me more welcome and more valued that I had ever felt before. The H’s have become such good friends that they asked me to be the Godmother to their son, Bug, as I call him. (You know, because he was as cute as a bug in a rug when he was born.) In fact, the H’s have opened up for me this new and uncharted world of friendship.
Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all of this. Here it is. Six years ago, shortly after I moved up to Waukegan to be closer to work (I was previously living in Plainfield), I needed an emergency gall bladder-ectomy. L (aka Mrs. H), found someone to look after Bug for a few days and immediately drove up to Lake Forest to be with me. The moment of true grace for me, though, was when I asked her, out of complete embarrassment, if she would clean my belly button before my surgery so that the surgeons wouldn’t have to deal with a dirty one. (I have to say that the BB is one of my body parts that gets neglected.) And she did. She laughed a little, and looked at me crazily, but I knew that she did it because she loved me like a sister. She has become for me a friend in whom I know I have complete acceptance and love. She is the “best friend” that I’ve never had before. I still deal with issues of being alone. I also know that I will probably always struggle with those feelings, even if I should ever marry. But because of her I know that I will always have a friend to turn to in time of need. That was how grace showed up for me.
one step towards compassionate leadership
I wrote on Wednesday about the anticipation of what would happen in my small group that night. I mentioned that I had made a decision not to do “formal” bible study because some of the women in the group were having some difficult times and they needed the opportunity to be heard and loved. What I was having problems with was diving into the realm of messy lives where emotions rule. I am not a overly emotional person and have challenges dealing with other people’s emotions, with much discomfort and backing away. I know that this is not because of any lack of compassion on my part – I hurt for these women and the challenges they face in life – but because I don’t know how to rightly express myself. When I start to cry (and I cry easily), I get flustered and lose all cohesive thought.
Well, Wednesday night was awesome. There was hurt, there was pain, and there were challenges - challenges that were tough and had no good short-term solutions. The wonderful thing that happened was that the six of us opened up and shared what was on our hearts, without fear of hostility, anger, laughter or judgment. We were able to express ourselves openly and allow the expression itself to be part of the healing process. There are some very difficult things facing these women – things that I cannot imagine or really identify with – but the one thing we all had in common last Wednesday night was the fact that we were all broken and hurting.
The other thing that happened, one that I really had to address in myself, was that no one expressed any sort of correction, rebuke or answer. This is a tough one for me because I am a problem solver, and to listen to someone express a real problem in her life and allow myself to just sit and listen was tough. But I did it. And I knew that it was the exact right thing to do.
Since this was an experiment for me, something that I am addressing in my leadership skills, I have to ask myself if I would do anything different. There are two things that I would have done differently. First, I would like to have stressed a little bit more the fact that we have a savior who knows and understands human suffering. Sometimes this isn’t the most comforting thing we can know, but sometimes it is. I honestly don’t believe that there is any new emotion, new situation or new suffering that He hasn’t already experienced. Granted He can’t know the pain of losing a spouse and the struggle of providing for a family afterward, but don’t you think that He knows the human heart well enough to know how to comfort those who are in that situation? I do. He has had over 2,000 years and countless millions upon millions of people who have each faced great suffering in their lives. He knows.
The second thing that I would like to change is my response to incorrect thinking. There were some thoughts expressed last week that I feel were incorrect, even biblically incorrect, and while I stated that I thought the person’s statement was false, I didn’t really offer any evidence or argument to support my assertion. I’m going to do some research and help try to correct those bad statements.
Stay tuned next week as we have the after effect of this life changing week.
Well, Wednesday night was awesome. There was hurt, there was pain, and there were challenges - challenges that were tough and had no good short-term solutions. The wonderful thing that happened was that the six of us opened up and shared what was on our hearts, without fear of hostility, anger, laughter or judgment. We were able to express ourselves openly and allow the expression itself to be part of the healing process. There are some very difficult things facing these women – things that I cannot imagine or really identify with – but the one thing we all had in common last Wednesday night was the fact that we were all broken and hurting.
The other thing that happened, one that I really had to address in myself, was that no one expressed any sort of correction, rebuke or answer. This is a tough one for me because I am a problem solver, and to listen to someone express a real problem in her life and allow myself to just sit and listen was tough. But I did it. And I knew that it was the exact right thing to do.
Since this was an experiment for me, something that I am addressing in my leadership skills, I have to ask myself if I would do anything different. There are two things that I would have done differently. First, I would like to have stressed a little bit more the fact that we have a savior who knows and understands human suffering. Sometimes this isn’t the most comforting thing we can know, but sometimes it is. I honestly don’t believe that there is any new emotion, new situation or new suffering that He hasn’t already experienced. Granted He can’t know the pain of losing a spouse and the struggle of providing for a family afterward, but don’t you think that He knows the human heart well enough to know how to comfort those who are in that situation? I do. He has had over 2,000 years and countless millions upon millions of people who have each faced great suffering in their lives. He knows.
The second thing that I would like to change is my response to incorrect thinking. There were some thoughts expressed last week that I feel were incorrect, even biblically incorrect, and while I stated that I thought the person’s statement was false, I didn’t really offer any evidence or argument to support my assertion. I’m going to do some research and help try to correct those bad statements.
Stay tuned next week as we have the after effect of this life changing week.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
risk taking
One of the things that I would like to learn | practice | try with this field ed is how to take a few more risks - emotionally. This is where I feel most uncomfortable - probably because I cry a lot and am usually uncomfortable (and embarrassed) with my tears. I guess I view them as a weakness - partly because I feel a strong ineptitude with expressing myself clearly when tears are present. Also, I have a really bad memory of breaking down at work and my so-called "team" seeing the tears as a weakness. Anyway, that is for another story.
My story today, however, is about risk taking. I received an email this week from one of the members of my small group letting me know that on Sunday she witnessed another member of our small group break down. Out of concern, I was emailed to let me know that hard times are being experienced by members of my group. So, in order to be responsive, I've decided to take a break from study and have an evening of prayer, fellowship and worship. I'm really uncomfortable facing other people's pain, but am hoping that within the context of fellowship and worship, I'll be able to work through this. We're meeting tonight, so please pray for me. I'll give an update tomorrow on how everything went.
My story today, however, is about risk taking. I received an email this week from one of the members of my small group letting me know that on Sunday she witnessed another member of our small group break down. Out of concern, I was emailed to let me know that hard times are being experienced by members of my group. So, in order to be responsive, I've decided to take a break from study and have an evening of prayer, fellowship and worship. I'm really uncomfortable facing other people's pain, but am hoping that within the context of fellowship and worship, I'll be able to work through this. We're meeting tonight, so please pray for me. I'll give an update tomorrow on how everything went.
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