Monday!

I've one very long and exhausted weekend. Saturday was filled with bridal shower stuff, getting to the church at 10 and leaving at 2 PM - just exhausted. But not tired enough to go clothes shopping at Kohls! I purchased 4 new tops - 2 of which are "breaking out of my mold" type of shirts. Then on to Best Buy where I purchased season 1 of The Good Wife and then I went home. It was getting cloudy and cooling way off by the time I got home so I decided to forego the yard work and start watching this new TV series. Sunday I woke up with a sinus headache (hat those!) and did pretty much nothing but watch "TV". I didn't even do any knitting I was ill on Sunday. I did, however, manage to go out side and do "some" yardwork. I managed to clear about 8 feet of my tulips bed from weeds and put mulch down. Now about 20 more feet to go and my little bed will look good.

I decided to do something for myself after having this major revelation last week so I purchased 4 new tops at Kohl's. Nothing major, but it is more than what I usually do for myself. Still processing everything and thinking about what I'm going to replace the old thoughts with but have not come up with anything good. Yet.

really wierd god moment

I often feel that when God has something important to say He does so in many different ways. Over my lunch hour today I watched last night's episode of Glee which was about liking who you are and what you were born with. Okay, I get the message.

finished the book

I finished reading Listening and Caring Skills in Ministry this morning. It was a very good book, although a little more technical than I had hoped for, but still very useful information. Since I do not dream of being a therapist, and this book was heavy on the psychology stuff, a lot of what John Savage went over my head. But some of it didn't, except that it left me wondering how I would ever use these skills in my small group.

One of the things it did make me aware of was some of my own misperceptions. He talked toward the end of the book about the "Life Commandements" that we often have, ususally given to us by our parents, that at one point in time they may have been well intentioned, or may have even been true, but are not now currently true. One that came to my mind was a very painful one for me. I can remember my Dad telling me when I was a young teenager that "boys don't like girls who are overweight". I heard this so much for him that at one point I started to believe it, and I have believed it ever since. This is painful for me to say, but there it is. I have struggled with weight my whole life and have a very, very poor self image because of it. I know that my dad was only trying to encourage me to lose weight, but he neglected to point out that he loved me anyway, regardless of my weight. So now I have some decisions to make. I have already forgiven my dad for this - I know it came out of love because I know my Dad and I know how he expresses love to me. But now I need to change my thinking of myself and this is a much, much more difficult thing for me to do.

I am crying right now (and I'm at work so that makes it harder) in hopes that my physical release can be a way to grieve for the woman that I was and move on to loving the woman that I am - regardless of the whole weight issue.

identity

I've been writing a book in my head for quite some time now. The characters are so real to me and the story is one that I feel compelled to write. So I've begun. This process is going to challenge me in every way because I'm discovering that what I like to read correspondes to what I like to write. Unfortunately what I like to write is in the minority. *sigh* I guess the things worth doing are not the easy ones.

Anyway, what I wanted to start exploring was the main premise of the book. It has to do with identity - basically who we are in Christ. I'm sure you've heard the saying that everyone is born with a God-sized whole in their heart and it is only when we find God that that hole gets filled up and we are complete. My main character is going to struggle with the whole issue of identity - initially rejecting her parents and eventually accepting God. The real question for me is what does it mean? Deriving our identity from God - what are the implications?

having a day

I'm having a fairly good day - pretty quiet phone wise and not a lot of emails either. Working on a few little things here and there, some of them are even creative in nature - and those are the ones I love.

I also had a good morning even though I had to be rudely awakened by my alarm, which I promptly reset, and then slept for another hour. I hate going to bed late and I hate waking up groggy.  It is a little better now that I've learned how to make coffee, but not much.

I'm looking forward to doing some "yard work" this weekend. I have some plans for buying some tools, mulch and flowers and doing some planing (*shocker*, I know), so we'll see how it goes. I do have a contract project that needs attention, but I can only devote so much time to those things before I go bonkers.

I am still thinking about some of my "deeper" issues - like loneliness and singleness. I have a friend who has also identified with the whole loneliness factor and she has been blogging about it as well. I applaud her for doing that. It is comforting for me to know that others have the same feelings, even while I realize that her perspective and feelings are coming from a different place than mine. I'll write some more on this later once I get my thoughts together. I'm just thankful for a Savior who knows the feelings and longings well.

feeling good today

I actually did some housework last night and it sure feels good to have done something productive, even if it was small. I did some laundry (having fresh towels is nice) and I changed my sheets (I do this a little too infreqenly - shhhh, please don't tell my mom!). I even did some dishes.

Then, I got up 30 minutes earlier this morning so that I could do some writing.  Yes! I did some creative writing today! I've now got those post-noon droopy eyes, but I'm feeling good about doing something positive for myself.

Housework is *not* one of my strong suits - not by far. I don't know what it is but I loathe doing housework. And yet - and yet I like a clean house. How strange I must be. I think it comes down to the requirement of it - meaning that if someone were to tell me that housework was completely optional, then I think I might be more inclined to do it.

I also continued in my reading of Listening and Caring Skills, I'm now 29% through. Still talking about body language but combining it with how to "read" someone so that you (the listener) can come back with an intelligent assessment of how they are feeling. I think this is going to take practice but will be useful.

reading

I've been continuing to read in the Listening and Caring Skills book - I'm about 28% through the book. The last 10 pages (or so) have been about body language and it has been very interesting.

I'm really tired today and I'm not sure why. I feel like I slept decently well (for me), so I'm not sure what's up. I've been yawning since about 1 and my work is really "drooping", which is why I'm here writing and not working.

There was something that I was going to write about today but I forgot what it was. I'll try to remember for tomorrow.

Prayers:
1.  That I will keep gossip at the office to a minimum and that I will not make fun of people who do silly things. This is a big one for me, being a "techie" and seeing what people do and say about technology.
2.  Pray that God will prepare me to be a witness to KL during our trip.

feeling blah

I realized something about myself yesterday - I'm a talker. I met a few friends for coffee, three to be exact, and it had been a while since I had really talked with any of them. I left the coffeehouse feeling like I talked the whole time and dominated the conversation. And to top it all off, I feel like I was bragging about how great my life is - which is mostly true. I just felt awful afterwards for being so "in your face". I need to call and apologize to each of them.

With that off my chest, I came in to my office today hoping to finish up a database project that I've been contracted to do. I thought I was making progress, but now I know I'm in far worse shape than I had thought. The hardest part about designing a database is designing the structure to that it 1) makes sense and 2) is stable and 3) is simple and useable (yes, those are one thing). For some reason my heart isn't in this and I'm feeling blocked.

I think I'm going to have to go home and knit for a while.

Prayers:

1. that my road trip will go well (May 5-9) and that I can be a witness to Kate
2. that I will have a positive attitude at work tomorrow

confirmation

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who thinks a certain way. This doesn't happen often, but there are times when I have a thought and I completely ignore it because I think other people will not be able to relate or understand or be able to refrain from thinking me completely nuts. But some times, I do say something and I pleasently discover that others can identify with me. One of the ladies in my small group last night said that she had faced some moments earlier in the week of extreme anger and hostility toward someone. She was confused by her anger and embarrased by it and did not know where it came from. Since I was not there peeping over her shoulder observing this behavior I wasn't really sure what to say. But then something that I had experienced yesterday came to mind. And I spoke up. Yesterday I was working on a little project that snowballed into a massive thing - 12 emails and 3 new people involved and people still were not understanding something that I had done to help make their lives better. They completely misunderstood me and I was very frustrated. But when my friend in small group started talking about her week, something dawned on me. I had gone above and beyond people's expectations for this project and my frustration came from them not appreciating all the manual data entry work that I saved them. They didn't appreciate me - or at least that's how I felt - and there was a little bit of anger there.

I think that sometimes, as a Christian, we feel that we need to be giving people - this is the external expectation placed on us in society - that we are "nice", "caring", and "giving" individuals. And I would say that the vast majority of Christians are these things. But when that sense of being walked all over, or taken advantage of, or even non-recognition of a job very well done happens, the side of us that craves notice gets a little bent out of shape. Where does that come from? I would say Satan.

I think for my friend it was helpful to put a name to the anger, just as it was for me. Now we can call it what it is and learn from it - after we repent for being selfish. I am SO thankful that God is gracious, wonderful and merciful.

i have a plan, stan

I'm feeling a little encouraged today about my financial situation. I "submitted" a budget "proposal" to my dad last night and he had some good criticism of it, namely that I'm spending about $100 more a month than I'm taking in. I realize this problem, which is why I was working on my budget in the first place. One of the ideas we came up with is to start an extremely excellerated debt repayment schedule to get rid of one of my student loans. I got on the internet today and estimated that I could have this loan paid off in 16 months as opposed to the current 3.5 years. You don't know how good this makes me feel. I may not be rich and I may be the *worst* ever at budgeting, but this process seems to be working okay for me. For now.

I'm also a little encouraged that I don't feel like running out any buying yarn or books - my usual default "make me happy now" purchases. I have several books I'm working (one of which is a re-read of Lord of the Rings, which should take me a while) and I have plenty of yarn to keep me in projects for a good long while. I'm just having problems finding the time to knit, but that is another story.

Spiritually I'm doing okay today. I didn't do my devotional today, but I did spend some time in Jonah, the next bible study I'm leading. While I know that bible study preparation is not equal to devotional time, I feel like I had a devotional time because I was working on questions for the study - thinking about Jonah's character and God's character and what applications we can take home. So I feel that I got some good quality time with God today sans devotional reading.

it is pouring

You know the old saying "when it rains it pours"? Well, it is pouring buckits in my life right now. My car died last week and I had to spend some time figuring out what I could afford, then secure a loan, then find a new car. All within days. I just wish I had more time to plan. But it all got done and now I'm driving a new car. One that should provide me with YEARS of very few hasstles. Should.

I've been reading my daily devotional and the bible this week (and over the weekend) so all is going well in that regard. I really like having time in the morning to just read and think. It really helps the day get started off right.

One of the things I've been thinking about (still) is the whole idea of singlehood. I think I said in one my last last few posts how challenging it is to "do" life alone. All of that is true and last week's challenge only reinforced that for me. But I'm also beginning to see some of the positive things about my life. I can be as messy as I want (which could be a bad thing), I can mope around all I want (which could also be a bad thing), but I can also devote time to things that I have a longing to do. Like write. I don't have to coordinate schedules with anyone. I can simply do the things that I feel I need to do. This is perhaps one of the first positive and reassuring things I've thought about, so while small, it is a break through.

I'm still reading the book Listening and Caring Skills and am finding it interesting. Once I got past the initial "technical" stuff, I'm seeing direct application with my small group.

discombobulation

I'm feeling completely ovewhelmed these days. I don't know what it is but I have been unable to get my schedule under control - either work or personal. I know I haven't written in a few days but I am going to "schedule" this little writing time in my calendar every day so that I at least see a reminder pop up for me.

I sent in a subscription for a monthly devotional called Tabletalk. It is put out by the ministry associated with RC Sproul: Ligonier Ministries. I stumbled across it a while back and because the commentary is all about the "verse" of the day, it seemed like a good devotional to read. They just started through the book of Philemon this month. My first copy came over the weekend and I've tried to make it a point to do the daily reading every morning while I'm eating breakfast. So far I have been successful. But of course it has only been 4 days. I'm enjoying this one, though. Very thoughtful commentary with an equally thoughtful daily application.

My personal life spun out of control yesterday when I took my car in for a "small" break change that ended up as a "huge" break job. The estimate for 4 breaks and 2 roters (sp?) on the front plus bearings on the front would have been $1100, which is more than what my car is worth. I just had the alternator replaced 2 months ago, totalling $1200, so this was another big expense that came just a little too quickly. My dad finally said that it was time to get a new car. So, I'm driving my Accord, praying that it 1) stops when commanded to and 2) doesn't fall apart while I'm on the road. At least until tomorrow when I can leave it at the Honda dealer and walk away with a new car. Trying to work through applying for a loan, finding a car, coordinating between the credit union and the dealership and the credit union and my dad has taken a toll on me. So far the only thing that remains outstanding is finding the title on the Accord.  Please pray that I find it tonight.

That's all for now. I'll put this on my schedule for tomorrow. :-)

connection

One of the challenges that was given to me a few weeks ago was to think about what is triggering the anger / animosity / unstillness that I feel with being single right now. One of the things that comes first to mind is the sense of loss of a family. Sometimes I think that other people - married people - consider this "sense of loss" to equate to "despiration", which is entirely not the case at all. It is just more of a profundity of feeling than anything else.

But the other thing that I think about - a lot - is the sense of not having companionship. I feel frustration and sadness that I don't really have someone to closely share my life with. Yes, I have friends, and I even have some very close friends, but they are just that: friends. They have their own lives, their own families, their own friends and their own houses. There is a separation that has to take place - I have to go my own way and they, respectfully, have to go theirs. This is the sadness that I feel. One that says that I can only be open and vulnerable when it is scheduled and timed. When it is convenient for other people.

feeling stifled

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but I've never felt more exhausted or stilfed in all my life. I feel like I can't wake up and all of my "creativity" is drained away. Which is hard because I'm discovering that while my creativity is gone my life seems "off". I went in to my office yesterday, ostensibly to work on a side project that I've had for 3 weeks now and have only barely started. So I was going to be here and work but all I "felt" like doing it watching TV (via the internet). Needless to say that I'm still not further along in my side project. But I did leave my iPod in my office, which meant that I couldn't sloth around the house doing nothing and listening to a book. Instead I slothed around the house and actually spent time reading, not something that I had done for a while. It felt good.

Last week I disovered that a writing software that used to be only for the Mac was being deveoped for the PC. So cool. I downloaded the beta version and I have to say that it is way cool. I can't wait for the full blown production copy - it will be a well spent $40.

I've started reading a book called "Listening and Caring Skills" by John Savage. I haven't read too far into the book but so far it seems interesting. He starts the book by talking about different levels of how communication is understood. The seems a bit technical, but I'll stick with it for now.

not alone in thought

I published my last post without really "finishing" it - sorry about that.

I had dinner with my friend K last night and she is also single and close to my age. In our discussion last night she commented on how hard it is to face life alone. To realize that there are no kids to come after who will be there when we will start to need help. To realize how difficult it is to do life alone - no one to share burdens with or work with. These were kind of the thoughts that I was trying to get at in my last post that I didn't really articulate very well.

I guess that is where my "anger" comes in: I feel that we were created to be in community with family and when that family doesn't exist and we want it to (for whatever reasons it might be), it is very frustrating. Feeling alone is the hardest part of being single.

thinking about anger

I've been thinking about my anger issue lately and I've decided that it is really more of a disappointment issue than an anger issue. I've also been trying to pinpoint what, exactly, amd I disappointed with? This is a little bit more difficult for me to answer.

I know enough about myself to know that I struggle with depression. I feel more depressed when I feel extremely lonely. One of the hardest things for me to do was to move to Illinois, a place I had never been and a place where I knew no one. I've had to build relationships and friendships from scratch, not something that I am good at or find easy to do. Don't get me wrong - I have lots of WONDERFUL friends here and would not trade them for anything. But, I still struggle with "feeling" lonely.

So I've been thinking about loneliness this week. What is it about being alone that bothers me? I think one of my biggest fears that if something goes wrong in my life I will have no one to share it with. More than that, though, is being alone and dying suddenly. Who would know? I've thought about this a lot - what if someone breaks into my house and kills me? Who would know? How long would it take for someone to find me? Or if I just die suddenly...same thoughts. Now, my head tells me things like "being lonely is not a reason for a husband" and "people do care about you and you would be missed", but sometimes its my heart that is paralized by fear. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think about this every day, or even every other day - but I have thought about it enough that I have lost sleep over it.

Truth be told, though, I really am a loner at heart. I don't always like being around people. I love the fact that I now live alone and can do anything I want without having to worry about someone else in the house. I can leave my mess in the kitchen until tomorrow. I can sit and watch a movie without worring about making too much noise or hogging the tv. I actully enjoy not having to be considerate of another person, no offense intended. But somehow I'm always drawn back to feeling alone and isolated.

lazy weekend

I've been wrestling with my anger issues with God this last week. I admitted to my small group last week that I was angry for lack of a husband and family. The comments were the usual: "maybe you should be grateful for all the things that you can do because you are single", and "maybe you should focus more on your personal transformation instead of looking for the perfect guy". Yeah, not like I hadn't heard these before. Sometimes I want to scream because I consider these comments to be pretty heartless. Seriously.

Anyway, I didn't do much this weekend other than knit and listen to audiobooks. I'm into the third book of the Hunger Games series - Mockingjay. It makes for some great knitting material. I did get some good sleep. Now I'm off to Zumba. It's been a long Monday.

practicality of growth

I strongly believe that Spiritual Transformation belongs to God - only He has the power to change us and mold us. However, that being said, I also feel that we have a responsibility toward enabling that growth to happen.

I had a conversation recently (the preview 2 posts stemmed from that conversation) about someone trying to become more patient. Patience is a gift - it is a spiritual gift - given from the Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5, Paul outlines immoral behavior contrasting with moral behavior:

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit.

My point was that patience is a FRUIT - and a fruit is not something that we can do by ourselves. Yet we do have a responsibility toward the production of this fruit. In trees (or bushes), fruit happens when the tree is watered, fertilized and protected (from high winds, tornados, anything that could otherwise disrupt its production). So too with us: when we seek connection with the Holy Spirit (prayer=water), read our bible (=fertilization) and are otherwise protected from damages by the Enemy (recognizing evil, recognizing and confessing our sins), we will produce fruit. A couple of things I want to point out regarding fruit production:

1. It is cyclical - i.e. fruit happens once a year, when the weather is nice and the tree has been properly fed and watered. This should translate into the fact that we should not expect a 100% fruitful transformation for the rest of our lives: transformation happens in steps.
2. There are periods of non-fruitfulness. There comes a time each season when the tree cannot produce any more fruit. This is natural. We cannot maintain a 100% fruit bearing life, we should expect times of unfruitfulness as well.
3. Fruit is the by-product of a well fed, well watered and well protected tree. Stay connected with the Holy Spirit (prayer, meditation, fasting) and stay reading the Bible (fertilization), continue to recognize your sins and confess them and YOU WILL BECOME FRUITFUL.
4. Fruit production is natural. Trees and shrubs live to produce fruit - and so do you. Maintain your course and you will produce fruit.

You may be wondering what our responsibility is, if this transformation is supposedly left up to God. Our responsibility is this: we are to be continually asking for the presence of the Holy Spirit (through prayer, fasting, meditation, etc.), we are to remain in His Word and we are to confess our sins.

Now, I really hate for this to be formulaic. I don't want to boil down the Christian life to one formula of things you have to do in order to be transformed - that is NOT how God works. Each one of us is unique and has a completely different "spiritual makeup" and therefore God meets each of us in different and unique ways. There is no one "right" way to do any of these things.

I do, however, recognize that some people need a bit more "guidance" as to how to do all of this. Particularly when we are faced with large amounts of guilt and shame. To this end, I would like to talk about some practical steps that we can take.

I took a bible study class with the teaching paster of my church in Naperville about 9 years ago. He is no longer there but his class has impacted me profoundly over the years. He had a way of presenting spiritual transformation in very practical ways. His name is Bill Giovanetti and he is now with a church in Redmond, CA. I'm not going to present his full theology, or his full teaching, as that it not feasible. But I do want to talk about what he calls "The Grace Drill".

One of the things that makes Dr. Giovanetti's theology interesting is that he presents God's side and Satan's side of things. Guilt and shame are constructs of Satan. They are the tools he uses to divert our attention from the fact that we live under Grace, and as such, once our sin is confessed, it is forgotted by God. Not always so for us. Guild and shame, if not dealt with immediately, can grow and morph into an amazing cloud from which we have a hard (re: DIFFICULT) time seeing the sun (re:SON). Here are the steps that you can practice to dissipate that awful cloud:

1. Confess it:  simply acknowledge your sin directly to God. (1 Cor 11:31;  Ps 66:18;  Pro 12:13;  Eph 4:22)
2. Crossify it:  remind yourself that Christ has already paid for the sin, and thank him for it.
3. Contain it:  do not let the sin you are confessing to God generate other sins.
4. Cancel it:  Accept the consequences, forget the past and move on.  Don’t stew over your sins, don’t punish yourself, don’t let guilt and shame control you.

Four steps. Its that easy.

why I am angry at God

I'm going to get real personal and tears may be involved, so be prepared. I had the opportunity to grow up in a stable household. My parents have been married now for over 45 years and there was never any mention of divorce in the entire time I've known my parents. However, they don't have what I would call a happy and fulfilled life. They were high school sweethearts and got married part way through college, at which time my Mom dropped out and supported my Dad. Eventually they had me and six years later they had my sister.


Ever since I became non-self aware (probably around 7th/8th grade) I've been aware that my parents were not happy. I discovered that my Dad is an alcoholic, one that hides his drinking very well, and that my Mom chose to ignore the problem. the drinking got to the point where my Dad would come home on Thursday night, start drinking, pass out, get up and go to work on Friday, repeat the Thursday routine and then spend Sat and Sun in a drunk, passed out state. So I have very strong issues of abandonment that I've had to deal with over the years. 


Anyway, all of this is a preface to say that until I was 30 years old I never, and I repeat never, wanted to be married. Since my only real model of marriage was one of abandonment, unhappiness and generally a co-habitation, that was not what I wanted in a marriage.


Wonder of wonders happened: when I became a Christian, I had the opportunity to witness close up a Christian marriage. And boy were my eyes opened. D and M were both Christians who put their faith first and each other second. After 40+ years of marriage they were still best friends and honestly loved and enjoyed each other. I am not blind to the fact that there were issues - I do know that no marriage is perfect - but I do know that no matter what they faced, they faced it with a love and trust in God and a love and trust for each other.


But nearly as soon as I had the realization that the type of marriage I've always dreamed about could be possible, I KNEW, without a shadow of doubt, that I was no where near being the wife that God would want me to be. I've spent the last 10 (or so) years really thinking about biblical marriage and what it would mean to be a wife. And I have spent the last 10+ years being transformed by God into the wife that I know HE wants me to be.


My anger comes in with the fact that I am now a few years beyond 40, no potential husband even in sight and my chances of having children quickly diminishing. I'm angry that I have waited this long. I'm angry that I am still not ready. I'm angry that I might grow old being alone. I'm angry that ... I'm angry that ... ...


I'll come back and finish this later. I need to abate this anger.

being honest

I made the commitment to myself when I started this blog that I would be transparent and honest, if not for you, then for me. I've said before that being a Christian does not mean that I am perfect or that I have all the answers or that I live a great life. What it does mean is that I know what it means to be on the receiving end of God's gift of grace. Sometimes, though, it is a very difficult thing to receive.

As long as I need to be honest, then I will admit that I am mad at God. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been a little angry, disappointed and mad for a while but have been afraid to put words to my feelings for fear that shame and guilt would overcome me. And while I do feel shame at having these feelings, I do know they are at least honest.

Intellectually I know that once I acknowledge my feelings - put words to them - and get them out into the open, they can be dealt with. It is when we come before God and are honest with ourselves that He can begin a work in us. So I come before you, and before God, and I am laying this at His feet: I am angry, sad and very disappointed. I'm not going to lay bare everything right now, I just needed to take this first step and make these admissions.

I had a great conversation with a women in my small group last night. She admitted to being frustrated that she wanted to be transformed, recongnizing that there is something in her life that is not what she wants it to be, but feels guilt and shame at not being able to "will" herself into being transformed. Although my response was not a perfect one, I did admit to her what I have admitted to you. I can't will myself not not be angry about a certain part of my life. Perhaps now that both of us have put out into the open, before ourselves and before other people, God can begin His work.

I'll write more tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.